Final Regrets
by lotr325
Summary: [complete]Severus looks back on all the mistakes he's made and the lives that he has destroyed with guilt and sorrow. How will he atone for them? This is postHBP, and will therefore contain SPOILERS. There is also a little slash. Nothing graphic. SSSB
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer 1: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the other characters.

Disclaimer 2: This story contains some slash. Not explicit or graphic in any way, it is only mentioned. It is SS/SB.

Disclaimer 3: This story was spawned because of the events taking place in HBP. There WILL be spoilers, so if you haven't read the book, don't read this fic.

Author's Note: I wasn't planning on writing another story until I got a little further in my other one, but the voices are slave drivers and find fiendish delight in keeping me awake all night with ideas playing rugby in my head. So anyway, here it is. It'll be a short one.

* * *

Severus Snape stands silently to the right and rear of the Dark Lord. His face is hidden behind the generic mask of a Death Eater.

The night is dark, almost suffocatingly so. The moon has set, and the only light comes from the countless millions of stars whirling above. There is complete silence as the collected Death Eaters wait for their master to speak. A heavy breeze, thick with moisture, rustles the branches of the winter bare trees, and sends a shiver of chill down the backs of the waiting wizards and witches.

A sudden sound brings them alert. Severus Snape tightens his slender fingers around the sturdy oak of his wand. His thoughts are a jumble of guilt and self-loathing. He hates the Dark Lord and everything that he stands for. Despite what his Potions students may think, Severus is not evil. He is sarcastic, sly, and is a Slytherin all the way to his soul, but he is not evil. Then why is he here? Why is he standing here amidst the greatest evil the land has seen in thousands of years? Why does he stay waiting for Wormtail to bring the Boy-Who-Lived to Voldemort? Severus is glad of the mask hiding his conflicting emotions. He is here because he has no choice. He has made the wrong decisions and now he must pay for them.

"He is here." hisses the Dark Lord, speaking for the first time in hours.

A long sigh of relief betrays the discomfort of the Death Eaters.

The Dark Lord turns to his faithful followers, a maniacal glint in his red slanted eyes.

"Finally we will have victory."

A rumble of agreement from the Death Eaters makes Severus' stomach turn over, but he makes the appropriate motions.

Voldemort's corpse like face is triumphant as a short pudgy man drags a bound unconscious figure into the center of the circle. The boy, for that is all that Harry Potter, The Boy-Who-Lived is. He is the last hope for the light. The only one who can destroy the Dark Lord. Severus looks on the boy's slack face. Waves of guilt assail him. He is only a 17 year old boy. He should not have to face such evil and loss. The poor boy has been forced to grow up too fast. He has lost his parents, godfather and mentor in this war that he should not have had to fight. Severus forces down the tide of emotion that threatens to overcome him and bows his head. He is responsible for every one of the boy's losses. Severus allows his attention to wander and falls into memory.

"_Snivellus!"_

_Severus turned reluctantly to face his tormentors. He tightened his arms around the large Potions tome he'd borrowed from the library. A swell of emotion rose in him. _

"_Black." he managed to say evenly, despite the erratic beating of his heart. _

_Sirius gave him a discrete wink and the ghost of a smile. Severus bit back the smile that threatened to creep across his face. He noticed the crowd of students watching behind their books. He sighed inwardly. It was a trial to have to pretend to hate Sirius Black. If any inkling of their actual relationship got out, then it would be disaster for both of them. Severus took the opportunity to give his boyfriend a thorough once over. Black was tall and lanky and had a face that girls and guys alike swooned over. His lips were perfectly shaped for kissing as Severus knew all too well._

"_We owe you one." Sirius snarled and on cue James and Peter appeared next to him. Severus sighed. He was obviously not going to come away from this encounter unscathed. Despite his relationship with Sirius, Potter and Pettigrew still hated him. _

"_Just get it over with." he drawled. "I'm rather in a hurry."_

_James pointed his wand at the Slytherin and immediately Severus' hair went from black to neon green. The collected students laughed._

_Severus only spat at the Marauders and turned on his heel. Once around the corner he turned his hair back to normal and headed slowly and reluctantly down to the dungeons. He knew what would be waiting for him._

Severus gives a sigh. His first mistake was made that fateful day. That was the day that his life changed forever. If only he could take it all back. But that is impossible, so Severus grits his teeth and forces himself to remember.

_Severus followed his father meekly. He didn't know exactly why his father had come to collect him from the school, but he knew it must be important. _

"_Father," he asked, trying to sound bored, "Where are we going?"_

_His father only laughed._

"_You'll find out soon enough."_

_They portkeyed to a crumbling stone house in a clearing. The clearing was surrounded by dark trees that seemed to reach menacingly for the sky. _

_Severus felt apprehension fill him as he followed his father to the door of the small house._

"_Go ahead son." his father gave him a little push._

_Severus twisted the rusty knob and stepped into the house. The door slammed behind him and a click told him that he was locked in._

"Lumos_" he whispered and stepped forward. The light on the tip of his wand abruptly went out and a low laugh echoed in the confines of the dark room._

"_Well, well. A Snape that is afraid of the dark." _

_Severus flinched away from the sound of that high voice._

"_Come here."_

"_No."_

_A hissing laugh sent a chill of terror down his spine._

"_Stubborn too I see."_

_A sudden pain filled his head and he fell to his knees. It felt as if a knife was digging through his brain and sorting through his thoughts and memories. Using all his strength Severus blocked the probe from finding his memories of Sirius. He didn't know what was happening to him, but he knew it was evil and he wanted to protect the one person who loved him._

"_Honorable and Loyal." the voice murmured thoughtfully. "Sly and Clever."_

_Severus curled around himself clutching his aching head in his hands. Tears slipped unknowingly down his cheeks._

"_You'll do. You won't be disloyal." _

_Severus watched in horror as a hand appeared out of the darkness and took his left arm in it's grasp. A long finger brushed his forearm and his back arched as pain shot up his arm and then down his back. _

_The voice laughed again. _

"_You are mine Severus Snape."_

"_Yes, master." Severus choked out. He was too terrified to say anything else._

"_Now go."_

_And Severus scrambled to his feet and ran out the door and into the weak sunlight, tears of hate falling down his face. He had been Marked by the evil one his father served. And now he must obey._

Severus feels a tear trickle down his face. It burns and seems to accuse him of weakness. He snarls and reminds himself that he is no longer weak. But a timid voice in his head disagrees.

"You are weak and pathetic." it said.

Severus ignores it and turns his attention to the proceedings.

"Wake him." Voldemort commands.

A Death Eater that Severus recognizes as Lucius Malfoy steps forward and forces the Potter boy to revive.

Severus watches dispassionately as the boy slowly wakes and realizes where he is.

"Tom." Harry says calmly.

Voldemort shrieks in anger and levels his wand at the boy.

"_Crucio!_"

Severus feels a sliver of awe at the boy's bravery to call the Dark Lord by his given name. His re-erected walls start to crumble as the boy writhes on the ground still bound by silvery cords.

As the curse fades away, the Potter boy snarls and spits at Voldemort's feet.

"You murderer! You killed my parents! I'll destroy you!"

Voldemort laughs madly and sets the boy to screaming and convulsing again.

Severus turns his head, but cannot block out the screams of agony. Guilt rushes through him again. He is the one responsible for the death of the Potters.

_Severus followed Albus Dumbledore up the creaking stairs, cursing the rain that caused his robes to drip and his fingers to shiver. They made their way to a crooked door and Albus turned to Severus._

"_Thank you for accompanying me, my friend. Will you remain outside?"_

_Severus nodded, annoyance crackling in every nerve. He was wet and wanted to dry off, but no, of course he to wait out in the narrow hallway drips from the leaking ceiling falling on him._

_He waited in boredom tapping his foot against the cracked wood floor._

_Suddenly a crash from the room caught his attention._

_He pressed his ear to the door and heard, _

"_**The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives..."**_

****

_Severus fell away from the door in shock. Had he just heard a true prophecy? About the fall of the Dark Lord? Hope filled him, but it quickly vanished. The door flew open and Albus stood there looking grave._

"_I have found our new Divination professor."_

_Severus nodded dumbly unable to speak._

"_Did you hear?" Albus asked gently._

_Severus nodded, but as he opened his mouth, his Mark began to burn._

"_I must go." he said harshly and dashed off. Once out of the inn, he Apparated to his Lord's side._

"_My Lord." he murmured._

"_Severus." Voldemort said turning from the cauldron he is watching. "I felt something from you. What did you discover?"_

_Severus was horrified. He had no desire to tell the Dark Lord about the prophecy. Severus wanted it to come true, and if the Dark Lord discovered it..._

"_Tell me Severus." the voice was cold and commanding._

"_There was nothing." he managed._

"_Is that so?" Voldemort purred. He drew a vial of the clear liquid from the cauldron and smiled coldly at Severus._

_Severus felt his heart sink. Vertaserum. He would have to tell. He extended a hand and took the vial from his master and drained it. He floated on a cloud of calm and peace. Only distantly did he feel the anger and terror that he knew he should be feeling. Then the questions began. He answered them all truthfully hearing the distant cries of despair that his mind was making._

_Then the pain began. The mind numbing pain that was his punishment for trying to lie. As the pain faded for the final time he vaguely heard his master whisper a name._

"_The Potters."_

_Then he'd fainted dead away._

Severus braces himself against the guilt. It was a year later that he'd learned of the death of Lily and James. He remembers the relief he'd felt when the Dark Lord had been defeated by the tiny baby Harry. He'd been free of the Dark Lord's call for 14 years, but not free of the guilt. He'd caused the death of the boy's family. He'd told Dumbledore of his sin, and the man had forgiven him and tried to heal the broken man's soul. He'd never fully succeeded. Then the Dark Lord rose again, and Severus had turned spy. It was the one good choice he'd made since he was 17 and had received the Dark Mark. It was his penance for all of his many sins.

Sudden light and noise brings Severus abruptly back to the present. The Aurors have arrived.

* * *

Whew. That was more difficult than I anticipated. I like it though.

Being a Severus Snape fan through and through (he is my tragic hero), I feel that I have stand up for him. I know that many of my friends and family think that he is an evil bastard, but I disagree. I hope that this short story will change any negative opinions of Snape.

BTW- there will be 2 more chapters.  
And yes, I did take the prophecy directly from book 5.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer 1: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the other characters.

Disclaimer 2: This story contains some slash. Not explicit or graphic in any way, it is only mentioned. It is SS/SB.

Disclaimer 3: This story was spawned because of the events taking place in HBP. There WILL be spoilers, so if you haven't read the book, don't read this fic.

Author's Note: YAY! Maybe I'll get the whole thing uploaded in one day. Then maybe the voices will leave me alone for a while. I really need to rejoin the real world at some point. (can't imagine why)

* * *

Severus sinks back into the shadows. He doesn't feel any desire to fight the Aurors. His loyalties are so twisted and conflicted that he cannot bring himself to fight for either side. Severus is on his own side. The side where guilt drowns you and you feel as if you'll never be free of the pain. Severus sinks to his knees and buries his head in his hands. He remembers all too well the second and most painful of the deaths that he caused.

Sirius. A whimper finds it way from his throat. Sirius. The love that he'd denied. He'd been so sure of Black's guilt that he'd walled off his heart ignoring the fact that he as an actual Death Eater was by far the guiltier of the two. Then when Sirius had returned, it was all he could do to keep himself from throwing his arms around his former lover and begging for forgiveness. But the hatred in the other man's haunted eyes had shattered the remains of his heart. There was only a gaping hole where it had been. Therefore he hadn't even thought of Sirius when he'd relayed the information to Voldemort that would ultimately result in his death.

"_My Lord." Severus bowed. His soul shrank away from the evil around him. He knew that he had to give information to the Dark Lord or his fragile position as Dumbledore's spy would disintegrate and he would be killed. But this was not information that he wanted to give. This was the information that Voldemort had been searching for since that fateful night sixteen years before when Trelawney had uttered the prophecy._

"_Tell me."_

_Severus cleared his throat._

"_The Department of Mysteries my Lord."_

"_Very Good." Voldemort praised. "You have proved your loyalties once again. Now go and watch the Potter boy. He could ruin everything."_

"_Yes of course My Lord."_

Such a simple thing to reveal. Dumbledore had been sure of the prophecy's safety and so Severus had told the Dark Lord. But Dumbledore had not counted on Potter. The boy was determined to meddle in things that were not his responsibility. Severus sneers. And of course the boy dragged Sirius into the whole mess. So the blame could be spread to Harry, but Severus decides that the boy has too much to bear without Severus' blame. He would take it all on himself.

_The Mark burned and Severus snarled. Now was not a good time to be summoned. The school was under the command of the Ministry and the students were going wild. He was on the verge of tearing his hair out. Dumbledore and McGonagall gone at the same time and Umbridge in charge of Hogwarts. But, when he was called, he answered. He Apparated to his master's side, to find the Dark Lord in paroxysms of delight._

"_I have discovered a way to use the Potter boy."_

_Severus only bowed and allowed the Dark Lord to see his dislike of the boy on his face._

"_I will give him a false vision of his godfather."_

_Severus felt his stomach clench at the mention of Sirius._

"_And, stupid fool that he is, he will rush to save him, and we will swarm down and claim him." Voldemort was practically foaming at the mouth._

"_That is ingenious my Lord." he murmured._

"_Yes it is." hissed the Dark Lord. "Here is a little reminder of my genius."_

_Severus braced himself as he fell to the floor in convulsions of pain. Sweat mixed with tears on his sallow face._

"_Now return to Hogwarts and stand guard."_

_Severus managed a nod and the Dark Lord swept from the room. He lay there unable to convince his muscles to respond. He must warn Dumbledore. But the old man was gone, and no one knew where he was . Severus dug his fingers into the grass in helpless rage. There was nothing he could do. The Order was walking into a trap._

Screams and flashes of light punctuate the darkness of the forest. Severus can see the battle raging before him. Crumpled bodies litter the ground and blood cakes the ground, turning the dirt into a sort of mud. Above it all, Voldemort's maniacal laughter can be heard. The Potter boy lays stunned and still bound in a heap at the Dark Lord's feet. Blood runs in rivulets from his lacerated wrists. Severus suddenly knows what he must do. He creeps forward and whispers,

"_Extrico."_

The silvery rope falls in tangled pile from around the boy. Severus then wakes the boy from his unconscious state. That is all he dares do. He cannot be seen aiding the light.

He slips back into the shadows and watches the Aurors. They are losing without Potter and Dumbledore.

_A ragged Dumbledore appeared next to Severus._

"_What happened? Did all go well?" Severus asked anxiously._

"_Not as well as we hoped." was all the Headmaster would say._

"_Potter?"_

"_He is alive, but he is hurting."_

_Severus fought back irritation._

"_Have we sustained any losses?"_

_the Headmaster turned his unreadable gaze on Severus._

"_Yes. We have lost Sirius Black."_

_Severus fell back into a chair. Time seemed to hiccup as his world swirled around him._

"_Black?" he repeated stunned._

"_Yes. I must talk to Harry. Excuse me." the Headmaster left Severus alone with his sudden grief._

_Sirius was dead. It was impossible. Sirius was so full of life. How could he die? _

_He howled his anger and grief into his hands. Suddenly the grief turned to hate. Loathing for the Dark Lord that had taken his lover's life. _

_Severus resolves to find a way to make Voldemort pay. Tears fall heedless down his cheeks and guilt washes over him._

Harry stirs on the ground, drawing Severus' attention. Thankfully the Dark Lord is preoccupied with shouting killing curses into the fray. Aurors are dropping on every side. Severus recognizes several of his students forming a square and standing firm against the tide of death and destruction all around them.

"For Dumbledore!" shouts one brave fellow, right before a jet of green light hits him in the stomach and he folds up, lifeless.

Those words sends a shard of self-loathing so sharp it is physical pain through him.

Dumbledore. The one man who believed in him unwaveringly and he had killed him in cold blood.

"_Severus... Please.."_

_Severus tried to resist. He pleaded in his mind for the strength to break the Unbreakable Vow, but it was named thus for a reason. There was no escaping it. Draco had failed in his task, and Severus had sworn to finish it if the boy was unable. "Forgive me." he thought as he raised his wand. His self-loathing and hatred for Voldemort filled his face. It was the only defiance he could muster. He looked into the calm blue eyes and saw forgiveness there. _

"_Avada Kedavra!" he shouted and watched in agony as life left the Headmaster's body and the frail body fell hard on the stone. He had crossed the line. There was no going back now. He had no choice but to return to the Dark Lord. _

"_Out of here quickly." he snarled at a stunned Draco Malfoy._

_Grabbing the boy he rushed out the door and down the stairs. His head pounded with the refrain,_

"_Murderer!" "Murderer!" "Murderer!"_

_He fought his way past the students and teachers and ran, not looking back. Dumbledore was dead, and the side of light was fatally crippled._

Severus watched, his dark eyes a swirl of pain and guilt, as Potter managed to get to his feet. He knew what was going to happen. Most of the Aurors and students were either dead or stunned. Harry gave a gasp of pain, and Voldemort turned, seeing the boy on his feet.

"So. You still think you can beat me?" sneered Voldemort, "You are weak and have no wand." he raised his own wand and pointed it at the defiant boy.

Severus had only a split second to decide. He ran forward, tearing his mask off as he went. This was his one chance to make it all right. He drew his wand and threw at Potter. It skidded to a halt against his shoe.

"I'm not afraid to die." Potter replied bravely, raising his eyes to meet those of the Dark Lord.

"Good." laughed Voldemort, "because you will die."

Severus dove into the clearing and covered Harry's body with his own just as the Dark Lord released the curse.

"_Avada Kedavra."_

Severus felt the green light hit him high in the chest and then felt nothing as the life that he'd freely given for the Boy-Who-Was-The-Only-Hope, left him. He had atoned for his sins in the only way he knew how. And it was enough.

* * *

Okay. So I lied. Only 2 chapters instead of 3. But this works out well. Hopefully you guys will enjoy it as much I enjoyed writing it. I feel that I have successfully portrayed my thoughts. Well all but the SS/SB bit. I know that that's not canon, but I wanted Severus to feel guilty for the death of Sirius and that was the first thing I thought of. 


End file.
